When we were newlyweds we visited some friends who we really admired. They had an amazing family although at the time their parents were serving as missionaries in Mexico.. Their dwelling was a humble home in a lower-income part of town where they raised eight children. At least one of their children was handicapped. It wasn’t their stuff that impressed us, it was their happiness. They just seemed to have a really kind, happy family.
I wondered what the secret to their happiness was? How could people be so happy without affluence and a prestigious lifestyle? We saw a sign on their fridge that summed it up for me. I made the sign into the picture quote that you see above. You are free to use it as you would like. The saying was, “The more you live the Gospel, the more fun life is.” And they seemed to be the type of people who tried to live all the commandments – from loving others to eating well – they were trying to do the things that God had asked them to do.
God gives us commandments so that we can be happier. Some people look at commandments as restrictions. Think of a shopping cart. Some people think that every time they “have” to keep a commandment it’s like God is taking something out of their shopping cart. Taking away fun or friends or time. But actually, it’s just the opposite of that. Each time you keep a commandment, God is putting blessings in your shopping cart. If you are honest, people trust you and you have better relationships. If you don’t commit adultery social science says your family is happier. If you care for others studies show that you are less stressed. If you don’t covet you can spend time being grateful and enjoying what you have. If you live a temperate life and follow my church’s Word of Wisdom, you are healthier and more energetic. All of God’s commandments bless us in direct and indirect ways.
Yes, “the more you live the Gospel, the more fun life is.”
When our boys were growing up we had a tradition called “special talk time.” We weren’t as consistent with this as we should have been, and now, looking back, I can honestly say that if I had done one thing differently in my parenting it would be to have done this every week with my kids. We would pull our one kid into the bedroom, they would stretch out on the bed and we would talk. Sometimes the talks were serious but the best ones were just shooting the breeze, finding out about their teachers and friends. You see, when we’re talking to our kids on a regular basis we know when they are “off” and we know what we need to do to fix it.
We need to be “in the game” with our kids. The more we are around them, the more we are connecting and communicating, the more we will know when something is “off.” We will be able to sense when they need our help. We will be able to sense when they have something they need to unload. We will know when a change is needed or when everything is all right.
So, I challenge you to start this habit now. Pick a night. Pull your kids aside. And talk. That’s all there is to it. Give it a try.
Revised from an article published a number of years ago at United Families International blog.
A few weeks ago husband and I had breakfast at a hip restaurant outside of the city where we lived. The restaurant was populated with young students and professionals, smart and cultured, but with seemingly little interest in family and children. It seems to me that over the years many of the well-educated adults that we know are not having children, or are having one or two children at later ages. We are increasingly becoming a childless society.
Media today asks some hard questions about parenting. Are parents truly happier? Is parenting worth it? Many of these articles highlight the downsides of being a parent. Dirty diapers. Crying babies. Bulging tummies. Tyrannical teenagers. Authors (often childless) tell us that parents are more stressed, their marriages are less idyllic. They convey the message that parents are less happy than their childless counterparts who travel the world, grow their bank accounts, eat out, attend the movies, and pursue ambitious professional dreams. In a culture that values immediate gratification many now assume that parenting is just not worth it. Choosing a child-free life has become an increasingly acceptable option, even among married American women.
Yet, interestingly, when researchers ask parents whether they would make the choice to be a parent again they get an overwhelming response. Yes. 94% of parents would do it again. On the other hand, only 24% of childless adults over 40 would choose childlessness again.
Why the discrepancy? Years ago I was a law student. I was near the top of my law school class. I had prestigious firms sending me invitations to interview. I drove a cute little red car and had outfits from Anne Taylor. I thought I had it made. Yet, as I observed happy people around me I felt that something was missing. My husband and I made the choice to embark on the adventure of parenthood and somehow I ended up a mother of seven children living in a nondescript suburban house, driving a dented car, and sometimes going a day without a shower. In a conversation the other day I remarked that despite my apparent lack of money and “success,” I loved my life. Why would I believe that I am actually now happier than ever and that I am indeed living the dream? My life has so much more meaning when I am living for others and I never feel alone, although it took a lot of dirty diapers and spit-up to get to this point. Research supports my feelings.
A study recently published in Psychological Science showed that older adults with children are happier than their childless peers. A worldwide 2011 Pew Research study showed that while parents in their twenties rated themselves as less happy than their friends without children, this trend equalized during the thirties and then reversed itself in a person’s forties and fifties. After fifty, the more children one had, the greater the happiness. Other studies have supported the idea that the happiness of parents grows as they age. Interestingly, studies also show that parents of all ages find more meaning in life than parents who do not have children. Parenting is hard, creative work. But the work of parenting has both tangible rewards and intangible satisfactions. Many of the tangible rewards come in the middle and later years of life as children become interesting adults and as parents begin to realize their own multi-generational impact on a growing family.
And what about those who cannot have children? Perhaps they have never had the chance to marry. Perhaps the time for childbearing is passed. They too can still have the messy, unpredictable joy of children in their life. Volunteering in the community or working with children allows you to make a meaningful impact and to experience the unpredictable joy that children bring. Anyone can “parent” children by taking an interest in them and by investing in their welfare.
Parenting is not glamorous. But choosing children pays great dividends. Life with children is fuller, richer and more meaningful. It requires work and sacrifice but I promise that it will provide you with satisfaction and joy available in no other way.
I live in a wealthy neighborhood. When I enter houses around me I sometimes feel that I am being escorted into Buckingham Palace. Perfectly shined floors. Clutter-free countertops. White baseboards. It’s intimidating, to say the least.
And, while I may never have things that clean, I want my house to be healthy and manageable. I want to be able to find things and have some order.
Unfortunately, my cleaning style for much of my life could have been summed up in the title of one of my favorite children’s books: If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I would start in the kitchen in the morning. I would have unloaded approximately two cups from the dishes in the dishwasher when I would get a telephone call. While talking on the telephone I would decide to work on folding laundry. When I walked into the laundry room I would notice that the laundry room garbage had not been emptied. I would take out the laundry room garbage sack and hang it on the front door handle because I would notice coats scattered on the entry floor – you get the picture.
Finally, I started having people recommend cleaning books and offering to help me organize my home. It was getting embarrassing. But, in my defense, let me tell you that housecleaning with seven kids is no walk in the park. When you head into one room all the kids scatter to the next, leaving a trail of toys, crumbs, woodchips, and crayon drawings (not just confined to paper) behind them. And so it goes all day long – in a circle around the house. They mess, you clean, they mess, you clean.
Because I have been driven to the depths of humility in my housecleaning I have also been taught and led to a couple of super simple strategies for keeping the house clean if you are as easily distracted as I am:
Around the Clock Cleaning: This is a system for picking up that helps me not get distracted as I pick up. Otherwise, each item I pick up takes me on a memory journey that spans into the deep recesses of time. I start in one part of the room and work my way around the room in a clockwise circle putting things away. Often I will put things in piles for the different floors, rooms, or areas – one for the basement, one for the living areas, one for the bedrooms. Then I put those piles away.
Housecleaning Plans: There are two of these that I really like. One is a cleaning flow chart. Another is a photo holder that combines daily and weekly jobs. I bought the photo holder at the Dollar Tree and then just wrote on index cards that I inserted into the sleeves. I use the photo holder every week because it consumes less time. But when I get in a grind I turn to my flow chart which allows me to really clean house in a few hours. I traded housecleaning for piano lessons at one point and I used the flow chart to do a good clean of that house in the time allotted. I have included a link to the flow chart here and also some pictures of the photo holder below. I sometimes use a dry erase marker with the photo holder. That way I can cross off jobs as I do them. As you can see I also have a day for each child and sometimes switch things around if it’s not working well.
Every day this little planner reminds me what I need to get done.
Beat the Timer: If you want to get a job done quickly and efficiently set a timer. Give yourself fifteen minutes to clean the kitchen or ten minutes to pick up and vacuum the living area. If you beat the timer, take a break and do something fun. Dance to music or have a snack. You deserve it!
We have been in a bit of a “marriage rut” lately. This tends to happen at the end of soccer season. Cars zoom in all different directions and all of a sudden I sit down at the dinner table and realize that my husband has lost five pounds and is growing an afro. Well, maybe that was just a dinner guest. I’ll have to check next Monday when I see him again…
We heard of a couple who were both on second marriages who were given some advice as they were being married. The advice was that they needed to make each other the top priority. Nothing should come ahead of their spouse, including the kids. This is advice that all of us, myself included, would do well to follow.
The fact is that I can’t think of anything that’s better for kids than parents with a happy, stable marriage. So, why do we put so much effort into fixing up our houses and our yards and buying fancy clothes and devices for our kids when that money might be better spent on a date night or a weekend rendez-vous for two? Why do we spend time driving all over town to soccer games when kids might be just as satisfied to see their parents talking happily on the couch.
So, put some effort into your marriage. You know what makes your loved one happy. Is it a back rub? Newly painted fingernails? A gift? A night out on the town? Heart-to-heart pillow talk? Drop what you are doing and put some effort into your marriage. I guarantee it will be the best investment you make this week.
This past week I found myself signed up for too much. My little red wagon of energy was trying to do a wagon load of work. I was exhausted. Multiple deadlines approached and I found myself frantically trying to get everything done. I was suffering from sleep deprivation and headaches and I kept asking “How did I get myself into this mess.”
Enter prayer. Friday morning the family prayed for me at our family prayer, asking God that some things might be taken off my plate. As if by magic, some commitments that I made started being taken off my plate – a playdate was cancelled, a son magically cleaned the house while we were on a date, my husband made dinner because the Internet went out and he was working from home, he also did the grocery shopping because he had extra time when taking a son to his cross country meet. This gave me energy to work on some projects that I should not have signed up for in the first place.
On Sunday I received a little nudge from God that reminded me how this all came about. In our church we have a monthly Sunday where participants can share their thoughts about the Gospel. A member of our congregation shared how they like to take their kids hiking. Their kids pack little backpacks to take with them. Inevitably, despite warnings from their parents, they try to take way too much for a half an hour hike. They start the hike excited but by the middle of the hike they are worn out and plead with mom and dad to carry their packs. Of course, Mom and Dad take the packs and carry them. In the same way we also have a God who is ever willing to help us when we turn to him, even when we don’t deserve it.
I am so grateful for Jesus taking my pack this week and helping me despite foolish planning and overcommitting on my part. I hope that this next week I will do better. But I also hope that my children and friends know that we have a God who forgives foolishness, who reaches out to help when we turn to him. We can trust him to carry our loads.
Partially shoed son attempts to accelerate his chores
Promptly at 5:30 a.m., our children jump out of bed. We hear the quiet sounds of singing as they cheerfully get dressed, tidy their rooms, and begin their household tasks. They tiptoe up to our room with a wonderful homemade breakfast. With satisfaction we hear the vacuum running and enjoy the fresh scent of lemon cleaner as we sit in bed, reading books, and eating waffles made from scratch. Ha! Have we gone delirious? Yes. As any parent knows, getting children to work is serious work. In our home chore time brings a chorus of whining and complaining, sometimes accompanied by tears. Some children flee for the sanctuary of the bathroom. Others try the camouflage technique of blending into the couch and hoping we won’t notice. But we try to hold firm to our summer deadline – chores must be done by eleven a.m., and before they play with friends or do anything fun, chores must be complete.
Sometimes we feel alone in our efforts. Increasingly, parents around us don’t seem interested in fighting the battle. According to a survey by Braun Research in 2014, 82 percent of grown-ups said they had regular chores when they were growing up. However, only 28 percent reported asking their children to do them. But we still believe in chores. So far, science seems to be behind us. Numerous studies show the benefits of chores. Here are three advantages that could accrue to your young ones because of chores: 1. More Academic and Career Success: A 2002 study at the University of Minnesota found that young adults who began chores at ages 3 and 4 were more likely to have good relationships with family and friends and to achieve academic and early career success. The Harvard Grant study of 724 high-achievers found that “professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids … comes from having done chores as a kid.” 2. Better Mental Health: Yes, Eileen Kennedy Moore of Psychology Today tells us that chores increase a sense of well-being in children. And research by Andrew J. Fuligni and Eva H. Telzer suggests that children of varying ethnic heritages are actually happier when they participate in meaningful family tasks. 3. Stronger Adult Relationships: The 2002 University of Minnesota study mentioned previously also showed that children who participated in chores as children were more empathetic and had stronger relationships as adults. Is teaching your children to work a walk in the park? No. You will likely spend much more time ensuring that your children were working than if you just did the job yourself. But teaching children to do hard things will have its benefits. I love this quote by Joy B. Jones: “Wouldn’t we rather have them ‘sweat’ in the safe learning environment of the home than bleed on the battlefields of life?” And in your later years, as you watch them face the mountains of life, you will be glad that you had prepared them for the climb.
I realized that I have been dropping the ball with some of my younger children on reading. This is manifesting itself in their behavior at home and at school. If we want our boys (and girls) to learn kindness, honesty, and respect for others – where better than in the literature they read (and I lament the fact that many boys aren’t reading at all)? Over the years I have put a lot of effort into studying book lists and also learning what great men have read. Then I try to have these books available for my boys.
I have taught my children to read, and I have tried to read the Book of Mormon (which I consider to be the most valuable book they will ever read) through with each child.
It is often helpful if you want to raise a reader to have a reading requirement during the summer. It can be a time requirement or an amount. Here are some of the books that my boys and I have enjoyed over the years (please feel free to share your own favorites in the comments section).
One booklist that I really recommend is the Good and the Beautiful booklist which you can find on their website:
Young Reader
A Baby Sister for Frances by Russell Hoban
A Chair for My Mother by Vera B. Williams
Alejandro’s Gift by Richard E. Albert
Best Friends for Frances by Russell Hoban
Big Moon Tortilla by Joy Cowley
Blueberries for Sal by Robert McCloskey
Bread and Jam for Frances by Russell Hoban
Gandhi by Demi
Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown
Joseph Had a Little Overcoat by Simms Taback
Katie and the Big Snow by Virginia Lee Burton
Make Way for Ducklings by Robert McCloskey
Mercedes and the Chocolate Pilot by Margot Theis Raven
Mother Teresa by Demi
Noah’s Ark by Jerry Pinkney
One Morning in Maine by Robert McCloskey
Ox Cart Man by Donald Hall
Rechenka’s Eggs by Patricia Polacco
So, You Want to Be President by Judith St. George
The Bee Tree by Patricia Polacco
The Empty Pot by Demi
The Grasshopper and the Ants by Jerry Pinkney
The Little House by Virginia Lee Burton
The Little Match Girl by Jerry Pinkney
The Tortoise & the Hare by Jerry Pinkney
The Ugly Duckling by Jerry Pinkney
Time of Wonder by Robert McCloskey
Tucky Jo and Little Heart by Patricia Polacco
The Children’s Book of Virtues by William Bennett
The Children’s Book of Heroes by William Bennett
ValueTale Series by Spencer Johnson M.D.
The Magic School Bus series
Other books my children this age have really enjoyed include atlases and non-fiction books about topics of interest to them.
Middle Reader
Adam of the Road by Elizabeth Janet Gray
Banner in the Sky by James Ramsey Ullmann
Boys of Grit Who Became Men of Honor by Archer Wallace
Centerburg Tales by Robert McCloskey
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
Chocolate by Hershey: A Story About Milton S. Hershey by Betty Burford
Detectives in Togas by Henry Winterfield
Farmer Boy by Laura Ingalls Wilder
Foo and Ching by Phyllis Ayer Sowers
Gold Mountain by Gwendolen Lampshire Hayden and Pearl Clements Gischter
Henry’s Red Sea by Barbara Smucker
Hitch by Jeanette Ingold
It Began With a Parachute by William R. Rang
Johnny Tremain by Esther Hoskins
Li Lun: Lad of Courage by Carolyn Treffinger
Little Britches and Man of the Family by Ralph Moody
New Boy in School by May Justus
Otto of the Silver Hand by Howard Pyle
Our Man Weston by Gordon Korman
Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred D. Taylor
Snow Treasure by Mary McSwigan
Sounder by William H. Armstrong
Summer of the Monkeys by Wilson Rawls
The Apple and the Arrow: The Legend of WIlliam Tell by Mary and Conrad Buff
The Bobbsey Twins by Laura Lee Hope
The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner
The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind by William Kamkwamba and Bryan Mealer, Young Reader’s Edition
The Bronze Bow by Elizabeth George Speare
The Golden Hawks of Genghis Khan by Rita Ritchie
The Journey of Ching Lai by Eleanor Frances Lattimore
The Sign of the Beaver by Elizabeth George Speare
The Winged Watchman by Hilda van Stockum
Through the Wall by Alida Sims Malkus
Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls
Young Fu of the Upper Yangtze by Elizabeth Foreman Lewis
Hank the Cowdog by John R. Erickson
I Am (Scholastic series)
Leaders in Action (Series)
Little House on the Prairie (Series)
Nate the Great (Series) by Marjorie Weinman Sharmat
The Landmark Books (series of historical fiction books)
The Hardy Boys (series) by Franklin W. Dixon
The Chronicles of Narnia (series) by C.S. Lewis
I Survived (series)
Tom Swift (series) by Victor Appleton. The old series is advanced but fun, there is also a new series for younger readers.
ValueTale Series
Advanced Reader
Aesop’s Fables
Band of Brothers by Stephen E. Ambrose
Carry On, Mr. Bowditch by Jean Lee Latham
Duel in the Wilderness by Karin Clafford Farley
Endurance by Alfred Lansing
Escape to Freedom Ruth Fosdick Jones
Five Hundred Dollars by Horatio Alger
Freckles by Gene Stratton Porter
Gifted Hands by Dr. Ben Carson
Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift
Hans Brinker or the Silver Skates Mary Mapes Dodge
Kidnapped by Robert Louis Stevenson
Little Men by Louisa May Alcott
Little Visits with Great Americans
Owls in the Family by Farley Mowat
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie
Ragged Dick; or Street Life in New York by Horatio Alger
Run to Glory: The Story of Eric Liddell by Ellen Caughey
The Autobiography of Martin Luther King Jr. Ed. by Clayborne Carson
The Call of the Wild by Jack London
The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas (there is a good abridged edition by Dover)
The Dragon and the Raven and other books by G.A. Henty
The Grasshopper Trap by Patrick F. McManus (all of his books are hilarious)
This weekend I hit a little point of burnout. I was feeling tense, tired and snapping at everyone. I hadn’t had the best night’s sleep the night before and I had been giving a lot. I finally just laid down on my bed exhausted and staring blankly at the wall. Luckily, after years of practicing at my career as a mother I knew what I needed to do. I needed a break. And soon. So, I told my husband and – bless his kind heart – he immediately kicked into gear. He took the kids and the new puppy for a little outing and left me to recuperate in peace. I fixed myself a healthy lunch, took a nap and took a warm bath. By the time he came home I was feeling ready to face the rest of the weekend.
Now what you do for your breaks may be different than me. But I feel that everyone needs breaks. Especially, if you run most of the day in high gear. Indeed, I feel that women who take breaks are kinder, more effective mothers than those who do not. This goes across the board for working moms as well.
As a younger mom, I always napped. I scheduled time for myself to rest. My children ran me thin and I needed time to recuperate. And the breaks that I took were naps. I remained close to my children who either napped or had quiet time. The naps were usually not long – 30 minutes or so but I woke up feeling refreshed. I also alternated running every other morning – my husband ran on my off days. Usually I ran for only about twenty minutes but it was enough to get my engine kicked into gear. And eventually, one evening a week on the advice of two bishops I started taking an evening off. It felt selfish at first but when you are constantly doing service in your home you need a chance to do your own thing. Would an employer deny an employee breaks? So, why do we women feel so guilty about doing it ourselves.
Now, my life looks a little different. My day is basically like a hurricane with a quiet eye in the middle. I am very busy in the mornings and also after my children come home from school. And I am learning not to clutter the middle of my day too much. I do the basic housework, prepare dinner, and then I also take time for things I enjoy – I write, I read, I talk on the phone, sometimes I still even take a nap. These are things I enjoy.
What rejuvenates you? It may be exercise. It may be a healthy snack. It may be music or napping or hobbies or even a lunch with friends. Figure it out and take some time for it. You’ll be glad that you did.
Everyone seems obsessed with hygge these days. And what is hygge? The definition I found said that hygge is a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being (regarded as a defining characteristic of Danish culture). And isn’t hygge what most people are trying to achieve. Comfort and warmth. Hence, I notice the word used in conjunction with cooking, decorating, fires and candles. Items being the primary method for invoking hygge. Which makes sense for a material-centered culture like ours.
But I would exert that true hygge is less about the meal or the perfect surroundings and more about the feeling. Imagine entering a beautiful perfectly decorated home with a fire burning and candles. The scene has been set for a lovely evening. But the people in the home are strange to you and are talking about you in an unfriendly manner. No matter how lovely the atmosphere, you feel uncomfortable and want to leave.
Then imagine going to a home, perhaps even to a very small building or apartment where the furnishings are a bit worn. There may be some piles of books or papers on the counter. There is a lamp on the table next to a sofa — nothing fancy. But there to greet you is the most adorable little grandmother and her husband. They are so happy to see you and welcome you with a smile and a warm hug. They offer you a small plate with perhaps a butter cookie from a tin or some crackers and cheese. They listen to your concerns and encourage you in your goals. You instantly feel comfortable and at home. You know that you want to visit this place again. You feel, loved, cherished and adored.
I would maintain that we as a society have spent quite a lot of money trying to create something in our homes that truly only can be created with love. Hygge, comfort, happiness and joy are feelings that are created in quite simple ways:
Smiling
Listening
Giving of the best we have
Gentle expectations
Encouragement
Unhurried time
Simple acts of caring
Good Humor
Love
My sister used to tell me how she particularly loved going to one friend’s home for dinner. Her friend served hot dogs for a crowd and the home was usually a bit messy. But the warm feeling this woman knew how to create among good friends was a lovely thing.
I love the scripture from Proverbs:
“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” (Proverbs 15:17, KJV).
Hygge is not about items, its not about what we create. Big things are not necessary to homemaking. Indeed, a quest for items often deprives us of precious time. What happiness at home is truly about is the feelings we get when we are there. Little moments that make everything worthwhile. Smiling at a child. A family joke that everyone’s in on. A soccer game outside. A simple shared meal. Time spent talking on the couch. A quiet reply. Dropping everything to help out. These simple activities performed everyday contribute to a remarkable feeling at home. A feeling of stability, of happiness, of love. And a feeling that can be created in no other way.
