Tag: family

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25 Things I Have Learned After Almost 25 years of Motherhood

2025

2018

For many years my husband has a tradition that is so endearing.  On the first day of school or thereabouts he gathers all the children to the front porch and amid groans and sighs he manages to extract from them a few precious smiles (or grimaces) for a picture.

These pictures over the past fifteen or so years track the almost imperceptible growth that has taken place in our family.  They are reminder of the march of time that carries us along in its merciless wake.

This year there were only three children left in the picture.  We sent it out to our expanding family group chat.  And one of my sons commented – “That’s sad.  Nobody left.”  It is sad but I am so grateful for the years and the good memories that we have made.  And I have some regrets too.

What have I learned after almost twenty-five years as a mother? 

Play by God’s rules.  They are the secret to a happy life.

Time is precious.  Spend it with your kids.

Don’t get in the anger habit.  Don’t criticize.  Let your kids grow at their own pace.   

Pick your battles (we fought too many battles that weren’t worth the fight)

Be nice to your spouse.  Keep your love alive. Nothing destroys a family faster than divorce.

Nature heals.  Camp. Ski. Hike.  And do it often.

Fancy clothes and homes are highly overrated. 

Limit tv and video games. Good books, thinking toys, clean movies and healthy food are worth the investment.

Be home when they are coming and going.

Take time to talk one on one with your kids.

Teach your kids to serve others and serve with them.

Teach your kids to be nice even to people who are mean.

Don’t pick favorites.  Every child is precious.

Give your kids chores.  Get them jobs.  Teach them the value of money.

Make your home a welcome place for their friends (I wasn’t too good at this)

Be warm and loving.  When they come home treat them like rockstars. 

Take a family vacation every year. 

Don’t overreact to their pain and mistakes.  Let them change and grow.  

Don’t expect other people to train your children.

Teach them about their roots.

Go to church.  Go to church activities.  Be fully invested in your faith.

Sports are good but don’t get obsessed with them.  

Pray for your spouse and children by name.  Listen to what God tells you.

Pray together as a family.

Give the raising of your kids everything you’ve got.  They grow up way too fast.

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Spice Up Your Summertime with a Family History Vacation

Do you want to spice up your summertime?  Try something different this year.  Some of our favorite family vacations have been “family history vacations.”  These are places in our family history that tell a unique story or evoke special memories.  Family vacations and outings can be made memorable learning experiences when we involve family history experiences as part of the vacation.

These kind of vacations have some unique benefits.  Not only are you building long-lasting relationships with your current family – but you are tying this family to something bigger, to generations before and after you.  And studies have shown that this sense of history can have a powerful impact on your children.

 Plan a vacation and include some family history in it.  Many of us travel to places with special family ties.  Perhaps it is our hometown or a spot we liked to vacation growing up.  Make this a family trip by adding a visit to your childhood home or the home of a relative.  Visit special sites and tell special stories.  You could even be prepared with a little pedigree chart or some photos to show children exactly how they are connected to these places.

When we lived in Arizona we took a fun trip to the White Mountains.  Our purpose was to enjoy the peaceful, cool of the out of doors.  However, my husband had some family who lived in this area, so we decided while we were there to make a search for the grave of his ancestor, Edmund Ellsworth, who had been one of the early settlers of the area.  Finding the grave was not easy and was actually located on someone’s personal property.  However, our children learned about themselves and their clan as we shared stories of Edmund Ellsworth, a pioneer who crossed the plains in a covered wagon and finally settled in Show Low Arizona.

A few summers ago we visited Washington State.  Our destination was the San Juan islands.  But my husband had lived in Washington for a while as a missionary for our church.  So, we decided to add a few stops to see places he lived and loved as a missionary.  We ended up in a spectacular spot on the Sound watching Fourth of July fireworks on a beautiful beach across from downtown Seattle.

Perhaps even more memorable are trips that we have planned around family history.  A number of years ago we decided as a family to visit Switzerland and Germany, the land of ancestors from my husband’s and my family.  We spent weeks and months carefully researching plane prices, car rentals and things-to-do.  We decided to make our base camp an airbnb in my family’s hometown of beautiful Engelberg, Switzerland .  From Engelberg we would travel to Germany to visit my husband’s ancestral homeland and some friends in Germany.  The kids were fully involved in the planning and we had some amazing adventures at sites they chose including the Pilatus ropes course and the Porsche museum in Stuttgart.  We stayed in a hotel with a name from our family tree in Leidringen, Germany.  We spent one unforgettable day finding amazing amounts of family history in Engelberg.  At times it was a bit overwhelming for our kids but we all came away from this experience with a new appreciation for who we were.

If you want to create some unforgettable memories for your children this summer, plan a family history vacation.  Strengthening your children through family time together and learning about your roots will make for some unforgettable and life-changing family experiences.

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How We’ve Helped Our Kids Deal With Bullying (Pat’s fix)

A spoiler alert: I don’t have perfect kids. In addition to raising kids who have been bullied I have also raised some bullies. More on that in part 2. I’m also not a child psychologist. This might not work for everyone.

My son came home from church crying. Church of all places. This was supposed to be his happy place where he had lots of friends and everyone behaved like Jesus. Well, not today. Today some kids were behaving in a very unchristian manner which included unkind words and some very cruel and crude actions. The last thing I wanted for him was to give up on a good thing because of a few immature kids.

And now he lay on his bed sobbing. My mother’s heart hurt as I racked my brain for how to help.

I’m not sure why but into my mind popped an image of a lady in my church group in Oregon when I was growing up. She was a little round lady who loved to sew. Her name was Pat. My town was pretty wealthy. But Pat wasn’t. She had a bunch of kids and an off balance house that had been added onto in bits and pieces. Pat wasn’t best friends with all the popular ladies in the ward. But she was well-liked. Why? Pat’s secret was service.

Pat was famous for her chocolate chip cookies. And her snickerdoodles. I think they were the most delicious cookies I had ever tasted. Maybe they weren’t actually the most amazing but she just poured so much love into them that receiving a plate was cause for a party. And Pat sewed a lot. Lucky brides received her bright, colorful aprons as wedding presents and babies received her warm, fuzzy flannel blankets. She did hair for her elderly neighbor. I guess that Pat had just discovered that the secret to life’s happiness was giving love.

So, I told my son about Pat. And that like us, she was a poor lady in a rich area. She wasn’t gorgeous or witty or talented or anything like that. She just loved. And she was happy.

And I brought out her chocolate chip cookie recipe. And we went down and made it. They actually didn’t turn out so great if I remember correctly. We live at high altitude so we had to adjust to a different recipe. But it wasn’t the cookie recipe. It was the fact that my son had learned he was not the victim. There were people who needed him. He could make others’ lives brighter. He was in control.

As I have detailed before, service can help struggling adolescents find a sense of purpose and reduces feelings of anxiety and depression. Here is another great article with research from Brigham Young University that backs this up.

I’ve been bullied. I’ve been a victim. So have you. But we don’t have to let it get to us if we learn to love.

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3 Ways to Avoid Getting Distracted While Housecleaning

My Daily Housecleaning Task Book

I live in a wealthy neighborhood.  When I enter houses around me I sometimes feel that I am being escorted into Buckingham Palace.  Perfectly shined floors.  Clutter-free countertops.  White baseboards.  It’s intimidating, to say the least.

And, while I may never have things that clean, I want my house to be healthy and manageable.  I want to be able to find things and have some order.

Unfortunately, my cleaning style for much of my life could have been summed up in the title of one of my favorite children’s books: If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.  I would start in the kitchen in the morning.  I would have unloaded approximately two cups from the dishes in the dishwasher when I would get a telephone call.  While talking on the telephone I would decide to work on folding laundry.  When I walked into the laundry room I would notice that the laundry room garbage had not been emptied.  I would take out the laundry room garbage sack and hang it on the front door handle because I would notice coats scattered on the entry floor – you get the picture.

Finally, I started having people recommend cleaning books and offering to help me organize my home.  It was getting embarrassing.  But, in my defense, let me tell you that housecleaning with seven kids is no walk in the park.  When you head into one room all the kids scatter to the next, leaving a trail of toys, crumbs, woodchips, and crayon drawings (not just confined to paper)  behind them.  And so it goes all day long – in a circle around the house.  They mess, you clean, they mess, you clean.  

Because I have been driven to the depths of humility in my housecleaning I have also been taught and led to a couple of super simple strategies for keeping the house clean if you are as easily distracted as I am:

Around the Clock Cleaning:  This is a system for picking up that helps me not get distracted as I pick up.  Otherwise, each item I pick up takes me on a memory journey that spans into the deep recesses of time.  I start in one part of the room and work my way around the room in a clockwise circle putting things away.  Often I will put things in piles for the different floors, rooms, or areas – one for the basement, one for the living areas, one for the bedrooms.  Then I put those piles away.

Housecleaning Plans:  There are two of these that I really like.  One is a cleaning flow chart.  Another is a photo holder that combines daily and weekly jobs.  I bought the photo holder at the Dollar Tree and then just wrote on index cards that I inserted into the sleeves.  I use the photo holder every week because it consumes less time.  But when I get in a grind I turn to my flow chart which allows me to really clean house in a few hours.  I traded housecleaning for piano lessons at one point and I used the flow chart to do a good clean of that house in the time allotted.   I have included a link to the flow chart here and also some pictures of the photo holder below.  I sometimes use a dry erase marker with the photo holder.  That way I can cross off jobs as I do them.  As you can see I also have a day for each child and sometimes switch things around if it’s not working well.

Every day this little planner reminds me what I need to get done.

Beat the Timer: If you want to get a job done quickly and efficiently set a timer. Give yourself fifteen minutes to clean the kitchen or ten minutes to pick up and vacuum the living area. If you beat the timer, take a break and do something fun. Dance to music or have a snack. You deserve it!

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Finding Hygge in the Everyday Moments

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Everyone seems obsessed with hygge these days.  And what is hygge?  The definition I found said that hygge is a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being (regarded as a defining characteristic of Danish culture).  And isn’t hygge what most people are trying to achieve.  Comfort and warmth.  Hence, I notice the word used in conjunction with cooking, decorating, fires and candles.  Items being the primary method for invoking hygge.  Which makes sense for a material-centered culture like ours.

But I would exert that true hygge is less about the meal or the perfect surroundings and more about the feeling.  Imagine entering a beautiful perfectly decorated home with a fire burning and candles. The scene has been set for a lovely evening.  But the people in the home are strange to you and are talking about you in an unfriendly manner.  No matter how lovely the atmosphere, you feel uncomfortable and want to leave.

Then imagine going to a home, perhaps even to a very small building or apartment where the furnishings are a bit worn.  There may be some piles of books or papers on the counter.  There is a lamp on the table next to a sofa — nothing fancy.   But there to greet you is the most adorable little grandmother and her husband.  They are so happy to see you and welcome you with a smile and a warm hug.  They offer you a small plate with perhaps a butter cookie from a tin or some crackers and cheese.  They listen to your concerns and encourage you in your goals. You instantly feel comfortable and at home.  You know that you want to visit this place again.  You feel, loved, cherished and adored.

I would maintain that we as a society have spent quite a lot of money trying to create something in our homes that truly only can be created with love.  Hygge, comfort, happiness and joy are feelings that are created in quite simple ways:

Smiling

Listening

Giving of the best we have

Gentle expectations

Encouragement

Unhurried time

Simple acts of caring

Good Humor

Love

My sister used to tell me how she particularly loved going to one friend’s home for dinner.  Her friend served hot dogs for a crowd and the home was usually a bit messy.  But the warm feeling this woman knew how to create among good friends was a lovely thing.

I love the scripture from Proverbs: 

“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” (Proverbs 15:17, KJV).

Hygge is not about items, its not about what we create.  Big things are not necessary to homemaking.  Indeed, a quest for items often deprives us of precious time.  What happiness at home is truly about is the feelings we get when we are there.  Little moments that make everything worthwhile.  Smiling at a child.  A family joke that everyone’s in on.  A soccer game outside.  A simple shared meal.  Time spent talking on the couch.  A quiet reply.  Dropping everything to help out.  These simple activities performed everyday contribute to a remarkable feeling at home.  A feeling of stability, of happiness, of love.  And a feeling that can be created in no other way.