A while ago I was trying to make an important decision about a significant opportunity in my life. It would have been a dream come true for many people and it seemed too good to pass up. The only problem was that no matter how I tried to make it work, it would require a significant amount of time away from my growing family.

I prayed, stewed and turned it over in my mind. One day I was driving home and I looked up to the mountain. Something caught my attention that I had never noticed before. Going down the mountain was a line of trees surrounded by brown – brown being the common color in our arid climate. I knew they were following a water line and that that was the only way for trees to grow in this mountain desert. And then suddenly I had a thought flash into my mind: “where mother is, children grow.”

This was a decision maker for me. I knew that as much as I wanted this opportunity and as much as it “made sense” in every conceivable way, it was not right because I would be depriving my children of the mother’s presence needed for their growth.

Children need attention, they need nurturing, they need a mother who cares and who is available. We can so easily be busy with our occupation, with our social gatherings or with our volunteer work. But children need mother. They need her around.

I found this unattributed quote in a talk by President David O. McKay: “True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece, or who can write a book that will influence millions, deserves the admiration and plaudits of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose immortal souls will exert an influence throughout the ages long after paintings shall have faded, and books and statues shall have decayed or have been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God.”

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/media/video/2014-05-0001-to-every-mother?lang=eng

Perhaps few stories have had more impact on me than a story I heard given in a church meeting almost twenty years ago. I was a busy young mother of boys living in Boston, Massachusetts. Finances were tight. Friends and family were far away. I was always tired and harried serving in my church group and giving to others. I dreamed of tomorrows when I would live close to friends and family and have the time and financial abundance of which I had always dreamed.

When I first heard this story I gave it little thought. I mentally criticized it as too simplistic. But the story has stayed with me over the years and has continued to be more and more meaningful to me.

President Pouliot, the president of the church in the Exeter, New Hampshire area, related the story similarly to what follows: They had been having a problem with the soap dispensers in his churches. No matter where they placed them they were dripping onto floors, dripping onto counters and the liquid soap inside was creating an awful mess. They tried moving the dispensers to different locations but to no avail. The soapy mess remained. Then one day, they hit on a new idea.

One day President Pouliot noticed something was different in the restrooms.  No more dripping soap, no more residue on counters or floors.  The solution – he discovered – was simple.  They had replaced the liquid soap with foam soap.  The moral of the parable continues to impress me with its many applications: “Don’t change locations, change what’s inside.”

So many of us live life insisting that a change in life’s circumstances will bring us the happiness we desire.  A new job, a new move, a new home, a new dress, a new body – even a new spouse.  We are convinced that herein lies the secret to our happiness.  So we move, we buy the item we’ve been wanting, we divorce our spouse and we discover that we are faced with a new set of opportunities but also a new set of problems, perhaps bigger than or even worse than before.

I am not advocating that we sit still and do nothing about life’s problems.  And sometimes we are faced with tricky challenges or opportunities where a location change is required.  But, more often than not, the key to our happiness, the key to our success lies in changing who we are.  Perhaps we are the ones who need to be more friendly, kinder, more hard-working or more grateful.  Perhaps we are the ones who need to adjust our attitudes or our habits to achieve the relationships or the goals we have always desired.  Perhaps the area we live in contains hidden secrets and untapped friendships waiting for discovery.

The years have passed and we have moved, our family has grown. But any happiness that I have I owe to things I have learned over the years: how to solve problems, how to be less angry and how to be more grateful.  And any discontent that remains about where I live or the people I live with I can clearly see is almost entirely the result of changes and improvements I still need to make in my life.  As Abraham Lincoln said almost 150 years ago: “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” 

Here’s a favorite scripture of mine: “Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; for the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in no wise lose their reward.” (D&C 58: 27-28, emphasis added). Change what’s inside.

I took seriously President Russell M. Nelson’s counsel to members of my Church to learn to hear the voice of God and have been working at this since his landmark talk: Revelation for the Church, Revelation for Our Lives. I have been learning so much about how God speaks to me. I wanted to share a bit of my experience with you.

Here are some keys that he pointed out to hearing the Lord:

1. Find a quiet place for communion with God: I cleared out a room in my basement (although it gets messy so fast) and I carved an early morning time out of my schedule.
2. Record impressions: I bought myself something to record thoughts from the Lord on. I have tried a number of different things. I finally settled on yellow lined notepads from Walmart that are half size. They sell for the incredible price of 88 cents per pack. I keep at least one of these on the nightstand next to my bed. But I can also keep them in my purse or take them with me when I pray in my special place or do my scripture study.
3. Immerse Yourself in the Scriptures: I would like to do this one better. My mom and some of my amazing sisters read for an hour a day. I am not quite there yet. But I set aside a good chunk of time each morning to devote to prayer and scripture study.
4. Really talk to God: Tell him how you are feeling, your hopes and dreams, your worries. I am good at this part. I love to express my feelings.
5. Listen: This part has been a little harder. I often get so carried away and my thoughts focused on my problems that I have to make a concerted effort to be still and to listen. But the thoughts really do come. And now they are starting to be easier to recognize.
6. Follow through: The hardest part of all. I try to check off the impressions that I have followed. And sometimes I only get through a few. Then I don’t seem to get as many the next day.

I am amazed how willing God is to talk to me when I take the time to listen. I am so grateful for the counsel given in this talk.

I am not a health expert. I am not a health coach. I am just sharing what has worked for me so far as I have raised my family. It’s not easy to stay in shape with seven kids. But I try to maintain my health so that I can be a good mom to them.

Don’t Yo-Yo, Establish Health Routines

I would describe myself as a very steady person. I don’t get usually get overly excited. I don’t often dip into the depths of despair. I like my days to look pretty much the same. So, what works for me has been establishing health routines. I used to exercise every other day for twenty minutes. Usually, running. In the winter I would do a fitness video. It’s not a lot but I have been very consistent. Rain or shine, sun or snow, my early morning fitness minutes get me recharged and ready for my day. On a good Saturday I might get a lot more time. On a crazy day I might only get ten minutes. But, for the vast majority of weeks out of the year this is what my routine looks like. During coronavirus I upped my frequency to daily exercise. I have found it helpful but not a game changer. My goal is twenty to thirty minutes 3-4 days a week.

Eat Nutritious Food

Again, I don’t follow a diet. I don’t count my carbs. I follow a health code in my church known as the Word of Wisdom. I don’t drink alcohol or coffee. I don’t smoke. And I eat lots of whole grains, fruits and veggies. I do not eat a lot of meat. I also take a daily multivitamin. To me, this is just common sense, no-excuse eating. In the summer my family almost becomes vegetarians. We eat a lot of garden produce. In the winter time we eat a little more meat. Not much junk food. I just don’t keep it around the house. Then it doesn’t tempt me. If I have received too many plates of cookies in a week (holidays, beware) I just start pitching them in the trash. That way I’m not tempted to overindulge. Carrots , crackers, cheese and apples are favorite snacks for me and my kids. This is how I keep my waistline down and my spirits up.

Get Outdoors

When my boys were little I tried to get them and me outside every day. I still make it a point to take breaks outside and to do healthy family activities like hiking, camping, biking and rafting. We rarely go to movies at the movie theater and we don’t play a lot of video games. Instead, we invest in outdoors sports and adventure experiences. We also like to garden and to visit places outdoors where we can pick our own fresh produce. These things have kept me and my family happy and healthy in a natural way.

What have been your most helpful health routines?

Over the years I have learned just as much about marriage from happily married people as I have from books and blogs.  I  have been observing happy marriages for years.  Not just marriages but marriages that were thriving and filled with trust, happiness, and faith.

Here are some things I have learned:

Go on dates:  This came from a friend in Flagstaff.  One day I was sitting in the foyer at church.  I was not very happy with my husband who was off somewhere while I was trying to manage six buzzing children.  And the wife of a man in our ward stopped to chat.  This woman wasn’t wealthy, worked hard and lived in a modest home.  She had six children of her own.  But her marriage was extremely cute.  She noticed my discontent.  And she told me that we needed to start going on dates every week.  She said she and her husband had been going out together for years.  Sometimes it was just to the grocery store.  But they went.  And it was a game changer for her marriage.  

Be grateful:  This advice was from our former bishop’s wife.  She and her husband gave a little talk to our women’s group on marriage.  And the wife stressed this.  She said that when her husband did something nice she tried to slather on the praise.  If he took her car somewhere to get it serviced when he came home she would be as grateful as she possibly could.  This made him feel great and probably also made him more likely to want to help her out again.

Remain a challenge: I have noticed a number of marriages in my current church group that are happy and they seem to have one thing in common – the members of the couple, particularly the wife – continues to improve and to develop herself.  They keep up their appearance – not model perfect but they look nice and even have a little bit of a signature flair – getting their nails painted, getting their hair done, etc.  They paint or quilt or spend time with friends.  They don’t just sit at home waiting for their spouse to come around.  They are constantly growing and improving.

Take a break when tempers flare:  My grandma had a very happy second marriage.  She wrote in my wedding book: “One of the main things is being honest with each other and loving and not losing your temper if things don’t go right.  One of the good remedies is go outside until one or the other cools off.”  My mom said she doesn’t remember the two ever fighting. 

Stop the Death Spiral:  A man in my church group told me this one.  He said couples are either spiraling up or down.  When you notice your marriage in a downward spiral be the one to stop fretting and move things upward again.  Give a kind comment or gesture.  Don’t worry about who does it first.  You be the one.

Be committed:  This one came from my Dad.  I asked him what the key to a happy marriage was.  He said “commitment.”  That advice has held him and my mom true now for almost fifty years.  Enough said.

Be Happy: We have the cutest couple in our Church group. They are both just beamingly positive people. They have been quite successful in life and have raised a lovely family. Their marriage is a thing of beauty. They are always together and seem to really enjoy each other’s company. I attribute this success in their marriage and in life to their overwhelmingly positive attitudes. Who wouldn’t want to spend the rest of their life with a happy, grateful, uncomplaining person?

Pray together:  My husband and I don’t let a night go by when we don’t kneel next to our bed and pray together.  We need God to help our marriage.  We can’t do it alone.

In choosing media for their children, many parents turn a blind eye to the type of media their children engage in. Parents may rationalize that a violent film or video game is okay because other parents let their children watch it. Some parents protect their children from pornography (which is great) but fail to also protect them from violence. However, especially in the elementary school years, I believe parents should be vigilant in protecting their children from media that is violent. Here’s why:

Increased Violence

During World War II, only 20 % of soldiers were actually able to shoot the enemy. However, by the Vietnam war this number increased to 90%. This was attributed to a new technique where soldiers practiced shooting human-like targets (Grossman and Siddle, 1999). Why wouldn’t violent video games have the same effect?

Violent media is directly linked to violent and aggressive children. Children who view violent media are much more likely to respond violently or aggressively to others following participation in such media. This, alone should be reason to steer clear of violence in the media.

Increased Anxiety and Mental Health Problems

Imagine living in a world peopled almost entirely by criminals or other violent individuals. Imagine not knowing whether or not danger lurked around any corner as you engaged in common activities – attending school, shopping at the grocery store. Most parents would never consider moving their child physically to such an environment. But, every day many American parents allow their children to immerse themselves in similar and realistic video game or television environments for hours on end. Is it any wonder that rates of depression and anxiety have been skyrocketing in recent years?

Violence in media is directly linked to anxiety and also to depression among youth. It is easy to see how violent media could change the way children view others and the world and this changes the way their brains and bodies react to normal life situations.

I believe that children would be better off if their parents more closely monitored the type of media that they watched, not just for pornography or obscene behavior but for violence as well.

What are some ways that you help your children avoid violent media?

Today we talked a little bit about gratitude at our family scripture reading. And I thought about ways that I remember, the things I do to keep connected with those who mean the most to me. I also thought about what it means to have a hard heart – a heart that doesn’t let the balm of memory soothe and soften during trying times. A rigid heart is easily broken.

Every morning I spend time remembering. This remember time propels me forward and constructs my day.

I first take time to remember God. I talk with him. I listen to him. This is my prayer time and it takes a while. I don’t want to shortchange God. I do this first thing in the morning.

Then I spend time in the scriptures. I remember my Savior Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me. And I remember those who went before – both saints and sinners. And hopefully, I learn from this legacy of scripture more lessons that will shape my day.

Third, I spend time with my ancestors. This one is unique and new. I didn’t do this in the morning although I have done it in some form for a long time. I spend time searching them out, learning their stories. I have no famous ancestors. Just normal people. But I spend time connecting with and learning from them.