Disclaimer: My children are half-baked. Many of these ideas come from parents I love and admire – including my own. I don’t have all the parenting answers and I slip up quite a bit. Take these as ideas but use common sense. Look around at successful parents. Ask questions. Make your own parenting plans based on what you learn.

LIMIT MEDIA TIME

I can’t stress this enough. Media is a cop out babysitter. Your boys do NOT need a lot of media time. Especially video games. And they waste a lot of time. Yes, you are going to be the weird mom on the block. But, who cares. You will have smart boys.

Boys will take the easy way out. And if you offer media – they will take it. Each of my boys gets to play computer games only on the weekend and only for a set amount of time. That’s right. What are they doing right now? Playing outside with their friends, using their imaginations. That’s because they have NO OTHER OPTIONS.

If you want them to be computer literate have them do Kahn Academy or Hour of Code. But if you don’t want them living in your basement at 25 then too many games is a big no.

Provide many opportunities for work

My boys do not get much money from us. Its lucky that we don’t have a lot of money. But they don’t get any of it.

This provides an incentive for them to WORK.

Work will be the saving grace for your boys. I have read many biographies of successful people. People who were successful in a moral, honest way all seem to have one trait in common – they learned how to work when they were younger.

We don’t have rows of potatoes for our boys to hoe any more so we have to find other kinds of work for them. We have to CREATE work.

My boys all have household jobs. Each day they have an area of responsibility in our house. They are supposed to get paid for this work (although sometimes I drop the ball here). As they get older they will need more money than I can pay them. If they want special treats or school lunch they use this money. I also provide extra jobs on request so that they can earn extra cash.

Then we send them out into the community. Start with simple things. My middle aged boys sold bread and cookies door to door. They have summer lawn businesses. They shovel snow in the winter time.

Then they are ready for a real job. Be careful that this job doesn’t require them to work too late at night and pick their associates with care. But help them find meaningful work. Right now my oldest son at home works for the school district doing energy modeling. A pretty cool job.

Volunteer work is another source of excellent work. All of my older boys have volunteered at the local Boys and Girls Club. In addition, we volunteer at a community garden with our family in the summer. One of my sons who is interested in medicine volunteers at the hospital. We shovel a lot of snow for neighbors in the winter. Don’t be afraid of finding opportunities for your children to work.

Let them follow their individual interests

I watch my boys closely for signs that they have discovered something that they are interested in or passionate about. Boys like to have a “thing.” Maybe its money. Maybe its medicine. Maybe its programming. Maybe its music. Maybe its bugs. Find a “thing” that excites your son. Then buy him items related to it. Give him lots of compliments for his knowledge in this area. You will be surprised how these “single focus” boys will take this thing and run with it. You will be amazed at what they will do. And it will do wonders for their self esteem.

Read, Read, Read

Encourage your boys to read QUALITY books. Someone once told me that kids were “weird” who read classical books. Well, if weird means that they go to a great university and can contribute to society in intelligent, meaningful ways then I’ll take weird boys.

I require my children to read and require them to spend time reading great literature. If they don’t like to read I even pay them to read or institute some other reward system. Reading is the key to success.

I love the story of Ben Carson in Gifted Hands. Ben is the head of pediatric neurosurgery at John Hopkins. His mother saw him failing in school when he was a boy. She made this a matter of prayer and God helped her to notice something. The rich people whose houses she cleaned had lots of books in their homes.

So she started requiring her children to read two books a week. And to write a report on them. Ben chose many books on scientific topics and this fueled his interest in becoming a doctor. Ben credits much of his success in life today to a determined mother who had high expectations.

Make Time for Them

Make time to be alone with your boys and make time to be together as a family.

Our family likes to do things together: cookouts in the canyon, hikes, camping trips, trips to visit family, trips to museums and to special community events. We have traditions like the Scandinavian Festival held in our state that we attend every year or the Middle Eastern dinner that we eat Bedouin style on Christmas Eve.

We also try to spend time alone with our kids. I like to take them out to lunch. I pick them up from school during the week and take them to a cheap place of their choice. Sometimes my husband joins me. It beats the cost of therapy.

We also have instituted a practice which I realize as I am writing this we need to do more often: “special talk time.” This is one on one time with our kids at night. They come in and plop on our beds and we talk about how things are going. Sometimes we talk about more serious subjects like sexuality or bullying. Nothing is “off limits” in these discussions. They are just a time to talk.

Don’t Fall into the “Sports are Everything” Trap

Be careful about sacrificing your son on the altar of the soccer gods or the basketball gods. Sports take up a lot of time. Our boys love sports. And we encourage them to play a sport. But they don’t play on the premiere competitive teams. We have opted for a more laid back approach. Lower cost teams. No traveling to tournaments. No year round practicing. Sometimes this means that they don’t make the high school team. (This happened to one son this year). However, the same son who didn’t make the team this year also has a 35 on his ACT and volunteers at the local hospital. He has an after school job and is preparing for a church service mission. And he gets to spend time with our family. Professional and college sports teams take so few players. So unless your child has an amazing sports advantage in size or skill that you notice from the outset evaluate carefully where you are headed. Use sports as a hobby, don’t treat it like a full time job.

Stand Your Ground

Boys don’t take “No” for an answer very easily. Be prepared for a fight. Do NOT back down. Do NOT argue. Just stand firm on your positions. “No, you cannot do… until your chores are done.” “No, we will not buy you a ….” “Yes, your curfew is 11:00.” I love positive parenting psychologist Glenn Latham who says that 97% of the time if you calmly and firmly stand your ground the kids will eventually do what you are asking. You don’t need to be mean. Just wait patiently and follow through with consequences.

So many moms give in to their sons. And then they end up with regrets later on. You don’t owe your sons anything that could hurt them. Until they are 18, you are the boss. You provide the food, the transportation, the bed they sleep in. And don’t be afraid to remind them of these things when they are trying to cajole and wheedle you into doing something (or not doing something). Mom knows best.