A spoiler alert: I don’t have perfect kids. In addition to raising kids who have been bullied I have also raised some bullies. More on that in part 2. I’m also not a child psychologist. This might not work for everyone.

My son came home from church crying. Church of all places. This was supposed to be his happy place where he had lots of friends and everyone behaved like Jesus. Well, not today. Today some kids were behaving in a very unchristian manner which included unkind words and some very cruel and crude actions. The last thing I wanted for him was to give up on a good thing because of a few immature kids.

And now he lay on his bed sobbing. My mother’s heart hurt as I racked my brain for how to help.

I’m not sure why but into my mind popped an image of a lady in my church group in Oregon when I was growing up. She was a little round lady who loved to sew. Her name was Pat. My town was pretty wealthy. But Pat wasn’t. She had a bunch of kids and an off balance house that had been added onto in bits and pieces. Pat wasn’t best friends with all the popular ladies in the ward. But she was well-liked. Why? Pat’s secret was service.

Pat was famous for her chocolate chip cookies. And her snickerdoodles. I think they were the most delicious cookies I had ever tasted. Maybe they weren’t actually the most amazing but she just poured so much love into them that receiving a plate was cause for a party. And Pat sewed a lot. Lucky brides received her bright, colorful aprons as wedding presents and babies received her warm, fuzzy flannel blankets. She did hair for her elderly neighbor. I guess that Pat had just discovered that the secret to life’s happiness was giving love.

So, I told my son about Pat. And that like us, she was a poor lady in a rich area. She wasn’t gorgeous or witty or talented or anything like that. She just loved. And she was happy.

And I brought out her chocolate chip cookie recipe. And we went down and made it. They actually didn’t turn out so great if I remember correctly. We live at high altitude so we had to adjust to a different recipe. But it wasn’t the cookie recipe. It was the fact that my son had learned he was not the victim. There were people who needed him. He could make others’ lives brighter. He was in control.

As I have detailed before, service can help struggling adolescents find a sense of purpose and reduces feelings of anxiety and depression. Here is another great article with research from Brigham Young University that backs this up.

I’ve been bullied. I’ve been a victim. So have you. But we don’t have to let it get to us if we learn to love.